Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
