im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
