Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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