Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
