fuck your aforementioned shoe
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
