yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
