he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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