just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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