i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
