I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
