he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
