I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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