I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
