i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize