first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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