I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
