I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
