dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
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Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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