He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
