captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
