I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
