If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
