I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
