all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
