I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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