morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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