Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
