My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
