I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
