I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
