I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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