Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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