you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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