Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
