She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
