I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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