i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
