Someone shit on the floor
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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