New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
