I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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