I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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