My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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