Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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