You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
