you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
