somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I puked a lego.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
