Jerry, you need to find god
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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