a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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