I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just invented taco cereal.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
sex in a hospital.. check
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
