there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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