dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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