Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
