Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't put those talents on a resume
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
