Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
