Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
