using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
